Monday, November 22, 2010

Hey Jimmy you're so fine . . .

Ok, so I didn't do a Thanksgiving post and I probably should have, but I've been meaning to post this post, and I decided to just do it. Coincidentally, I am thankful for Jimmy Fallon. This is a daydream I had the other day.

But first here's a little something to get you in the mood.

My imaginary appearance on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon:

Jimmy (still laughing from his last thank you note to hipsters. Oh, he's so cute when he can't stop laughing at his own jokes.): Our next guest is the ever-talented artist, Rachel Stratford!

The Roots play something awesomely appropriate like Long Cool Woman in a Black dress - I WISH! - as I enter even though I'm wearing something adorable that I bought from Mod Cloth. The crowd is cheering because some sign is telling them to and because I've planted a few good friends in the crowd to really make me look good. I wave and blow a kiss then shrug my shoulders at Jimmy like I don't understand what's happening. Then I sit down making sure that the cameras can't see up my skirt (cause that would be embarrassing).

Jimmy: Welcome to the show.

Me: Thank you. I'm really excited to be here. I wasn't sure I would make it.

Jimmy: What do you mean? Traffic? Or you were thinking about ditching me?

Me: No, of course not. I would never miss an opportunity to hear The Roots in person. (Everyone cheers. I give The Roots a wink. Jimmy laughs. I laugh. I'm totally excited because I made Jimmy laugh . . .) No really, though. I wouldn't miss this for the world. I just didn't think it would work.

Jimmy: Work? Oh you mean . . . the letter. (He raises an eyebrow and looks at the camera. He continues staring at the camera then says it again for dramatic effect). The letter.

Me: Exactly. The letter.

Jimmy: I happen to have . . . the letter (looks at the camera with raised eyebrow again) right here. (He pulls out the letter) Should I read it or would you like to?

Me: I'd really like to hear your rendition of it. (I smile and bat my eyelashes)

Jimmy starts the letter which goes like this (please try reading it through twice first imagine me reading it then imagine Jimmy reading my words and making fun of me. Remember, me first!) . . .

Dear Jimmy,

Hi. :) Can I please be on your show? I don't have an agent or anything, but I really think it would be in your best interest to have me on. I'm pretty funny and I've already thought of what to say. I promise to wear my cutest outfit and say nice things about you on the air. In return, you could tell people about my art (check me out on facebook) so that they will buy it because I'm pretty sure they'll do whatever you tell them to (I know I do.) Other things we could talk about in the interview include the fact that I have a crush on you and that both my dad and one of my best friends are from upstate NY like you. Also, we could just have funny banter. I promise not to hit on you because I know you are married and I do have morals. As an incentive to put me on your show, I promise to do a portrait of you that you can show everyone on the show. We could even put the portrait on a T-shirt. Then I'll probably sell a hundred or so copies to pay for food or maybe I'll go to grad school. I generally don't do celebrity portraits because then I wouldn't be any better than the guy selling portraits at the mall. It might also make me look like some obsessive fan (who me?) but if I come on the show, then it's like a business deal and we would meet which would make us at least acquaintances so then it wouldn't be weird.

Ok, I think that's about it. Think about it and then call me to invite me on the show.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot. I will be in the greater metropolitan area from Dec 16 - Jan 4, so if you could squeeze me in sometime in there, that would be great. I don't exactly have a bunch of extra cash laying around to spend on flights to NY.

Can't wait to meet you,
Rachel Stratford

Jimmy(He's looking at me with a smile like as to say "you're crazy for doing this, but hey, it seems to have gotten you on the show"): So lets go through our list of topics.

Me (I'm still laughing a little cause he's so funny and cute!): I believe the first one was the fact that I have a crush on you.

Jimmy looks at the audience with a giddy smile, but a little creeped out. The audience is laughing so I have to wait for them to calm down a little before I can start speaking again.

Me: So I have to tell you how that developed. (He looks nervous.) Well, really it started when I saw Fever Pitch. I admit that I started dating Red Sox fans over Yankee fans which pleased some of my siblings. But I didn't see much of you for a long time until I moved into the Mountain Standard Time zone. You see, the problem with Mountain Standard Time . . . and Central for that matter . . . is that all the TV programming is an hour earlier. And I'm from the East Coast, so I would turn on the TV and all the primetime shows would be over so I started watching late night talk shows . . . and let's be honest, Letterman and Leno are very funny guys . . . but I'm not about to have a crush on either of them. (At this point the crowd and Jimmy burst into laughter because I am hilarious) I mean, no offense to either of those comedians, cause they're both extremely talented. . . but I'm just sayin' . . . (comedic pause) Just sayin'. (I'm doing lots of funny expressions, too - just imagine them.) But I'm not hitting on you. (He's blushing at this point) Because I promised not to hit on you.

Jimmy: Of course not, (laughing) you would never hit on me. I could tell from your . . . letter. (laughs again) So, you're dad and your best friend are from upstate New York. What part? Because I don't know if you knew this, but I'm from upstate New York. Oh, wait, that's right. It was in your . . . letter.

Me (laughing): Gotta love Wikipedia! (I look at the audience) My dad is from the Schenectady area and my friend is from Queensbury up by Lake George. Have you ever been up there?

Jimmy: Yeah I've been to Lake George (I have no idea if ever really has, but this is an imaginary interview so I can make up things about his life if I want) Nice area.

Me: I love the Adirondacks. I actually prefer even farther north, up in the high peaks region. There are fewer motor boats and more canoes. My grandma lived up in Saranac Lake near Lake Placid for a number of years.

Jimmy: Oh yeah, what made her leave?

Me: Cancer. She died this year.

Jimmy: Oh. (silence for a second) I'm so sorry.

Me: It's ok, she was a great woman who lived a full life.

Jimmy: Well now that I've completely killed that conversation, this would be a good time to talk about your art. (pulls out the watercolor I did of him) Here is a lovely rendition of . . . me.

Me: Yup. It was part of the deal . . .

Jimmy: This is really good. How long have you been drawing, I mean painting? How long have you been doing art?

Me: I started drawing as soon as I could hold a pencil. I didn't really do watercolors until I was in high school.

Jimmy: I don't know that much about art. Do a lot of artists use watercolor? I mean can you make any money doing watercolors? Do they sell for as much as oil paintings?

Me: They don't usually sell for as much as oil paintings, but I do them because I just prefer the process and because I haven't figured out how to paint successfully with oils. Lame, I know.

Jimmy: This doesn't look lame to me. (He holds it up next to his face for a comparison mimicking the face in the painting)

Me: I'm glad you like it, cause I brought you a T-shirt as promised in the letter. (I turn to the audience) I'll be selling more outside the door on your way out. $25 a shirt - as a momento of this lovely evening. (turning to Jimmy) Unless you want to be cool like Oprah and just buy all of them off of me and GIVE the audience free ones . . . (the audience cheers for real this time). I also have portraits for each of The Roots. (which I flash, but can't give out right then because they're too far away)

Jimmy: Awesome. Cool, well it was very nice to have you on the show. Good luck with your art. (Turning to the camera, he lifts up the portrait) Look for Rachel's facebook page or go to her website and order a custom portrait. When we come back, we'll have the amazing Matt Damon! (Yeah, I'm that lucky)

And that is my imaginary appearance on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon.

Oh yeah, did I mention that Jimmy was the inspiration for my Halloween costume this year?