That one time when I realized that I am a complete idiot

So here's the deal.  I'm hurting.  I'm hurting bad.  Not as much of a physical hurt as I expected, but an emptiness that has been growing without my notice until all of a sudden, with the blow, it made itself all too apparent.  It's the kind of hurt that is specific, but is also compounded by other hurts, by old wounds that never quite leave you.  The kind of hurt that leaves you wondering if it is your fault.  If it is always your fault.  If you never have and never will get it right or fit the bill.

I was oh so blind.  I didn't want to see.   I continued to hope that everyone was wrong.  But they were right.  They were all right.

I hate it when they're right.



This extremely vague middle of the night divulgence was brought to you by A Singular Existence.  Good night folks (not that I'll be able to sleep).

The ridiculous things I do with my "spare" time

Tonight I decided that it was time I updated this thing for a few reasons. The first reason is that I never told you how the fitness challenge ended up. Well, I got 2nd place. If my brothers were here they would remind me that 2nd place is the first loser. But I am going to stay on the positive side and point out that I lost about 10 pounds and that's not bad. The tricky part is keeping it off now that I have not been making working out a priority . . . oops! But I'm actually doing ok. I haven't gained much back. Life is super hectic this week, but I admit that I have been craving Zumba, so that is a good sign. I just wish I would crave Zumba as often as I crave sweets.

The second reason I feel I should update is the very same reason this week is so busy. I am planning a theme party. And if you know me, then you know that nothing gets me excited like a theme party - especially a theme party that involves costumes.

"What, pray tell, is the theme for this amazing theme party?" you ask. Get ready . . . it's a . . .

DOWNTON DINNER PARTY

Now you can't tell me you're not completely excited/jealous that I'm hosting a Downton Dinner party. I mean, the show is so enchanting. I love the characters, but I admit that possibly my favorite part is just watching it for the home and the period clothing. (Though I also just love hearing the language and the rules of manners, etc) I guess that makes me materialistic. I hate to think I'm materialistic, so let's just say that I enjoy it as a visual feast. The style, the textures, the colors, and lines. It's just so elegant.

Speaking of elegant, my mom bought a camelback couch from Ethan Allen that had been there for years for about $200 and had it recovered. I got to help pick out the fabric ($15/yd! from a discount fabric place) while I was visiting home.

Here is the before pic:

The original fabric was pretty hideous. But here is the "after" pic:

Mom was smart to switch from three separate cushions to one long one. It is so much more sleek. Also, isn't that fabric great? You can't really appreciate the color with this picture, but the pattern is what I like to refer to as "Downton sexy". It's officially a new adjective, didn't you know? Anyway, I love it. I wish it were here so I could have it at my party.

Now for a quick teaser about the party before I head to bed - I will be serving hors d'oeuvres as well as a five course meal (ok, so it's more like 4 1/2, but if you're ok with ice cream being a separate course from dessert, then we'll say 5 and call it good). Truth be told, I was originally a little nervous about making all this food (I don't exactly cook all that often), until I realized I could do one entire course in the crockpot and another one the day before. Then I calmed down. I can do this. I better be able to do this. My cooking skillz will be on display and I wouldn't want to disappoint anyone, if you know what I mean (You don't know what I mean, do you? It's ok. I gotta keep some of my personal life personal, right?) Anyway, I will post the menu and pictures after the party so you can all be jealous of my over-the-top tendencies that subsequently lead to parties where, though I may lose some hair (nbd, though because have you seen how thick my hair is?) and a whole lot of sleep while planning, the details allow you to live in a different time if even just for a little while.

Ok, goodnight!

Blegch

Today I am having one of those "will I EVER get married?" days. So the question is should I drown my sorrows in Downton Abbey or Pinterest?

Oh wait. I know. Both.

Thank You 2012!

I am here to report on how my fitness challenge is coming along. Well . . . it's awesome. I continue to ROCK it! In fact, I lost 4.8 lbs in the first week! WHAT? I know, right? Crazy, but in a crazy awesome kind of way. The truth is that I have never tried to get in shape by really eating right while ALSO exercising this much. I'm pretty sure I've never counted calories before this either. And it is all so easy with the app I downloaded for free to my smartphone. The app is called "My Fitness Pal" and I love it. I can record my weight, what I eat, how much I exercise and it tells me how many calories I have left in the day. It's awesome. Anyway, I highly recommend it.

Also, can we talk about how good I feel lately? And how skinny I feel? This is a new thing for me: feeling skinny in the winter time. Sure I've felt like this during the summer, but not during the winter. Probably because I make some excuse about not being able to exercise because it's cold out. Nowadays I've got my Zumba dvd workouts for the days when it's too late or too cold to go out. When it's not that bad, I walk up in the foothills near my house. Seriously, I feel fantastic. I have so much energy and I'm loving life. And when you have this much energy, you also can't help but be happy (the endorphins help with that too). And I really love being happy. I have found that there is absolutely nothing wrong with being over 30, in fact, I feel like I get more out of life now than I did in my twenties.

Ok, that is all. I told you my writing would be bad now that I'm back. I simply don't have the time to rewrite and edit this over and over till it sounds good. For now this blog is truly a web log.

Later!

Day 2

It's day 2 of my fitness challenge and I am ROCKIN' it! Two perfect days in a row. It helps that i don't even like soda (one of the contraband items). AND I was super lucky to come home to a dinner prepared by my sister-in-law (you're the best, Candice!) that was sugar-free, yummy, and very few calories. Pan seared chicken with apples and walnuts. It's from the Flat Belly Diet Cookbook. Click here for the link.

Witty phrase about New Year's Resolutions

Oh Heyyy, Blog.

Sooooooooo, as promised I have been a terrible blogger. I know it's been forever. Will you ever forgive me? I hope so. Now I will grace you with a terribly written blog post because my skills are really rusty and I don't have a lot of time to edit this tonight.

It's a new year and of course all of us are working on our resolutions/goals/ideal body weight, etc. and I am no exception. This year, though, I really think I'm going to make it. My goal(s) come in the form of a fitness challenge that lasts 12 weeks. Yes, 3 months. But aren't New Year's resolutions supposed to be for the whole year? Maybe, but I'm only worrying about the first 3 months. The rest of the year? We'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

I started said "fitness challenge" today and it's nice and organized with a nifty spreadsheet that my darling friend, Jessica, sent me. (Yes, it's measurable, which all good goals should be.) So today I started doing things like exercising 30 minutes a day (I actually did 50) and reading a chapter in the Book of Mormon a day (for your spiritual fitness) and not doing things like eating dessert or eating anything after 7:30. And I have to say I really think I can do this. Of course one of the extra goals this week is to write in your journal/or blog. Yes! I am only writing tonight out of duty. To, in fact, get a point in a contest. Did I mention it's a contest? I am sending (I swear I'm going to get to a post office box tomorrow, Jess) a $20 check in the hopes that I can it back along with everyone else's $20. But as a friend mentioned, you win even if you don't come in first place and that is what I'm counting on. Losing a pound a week is nice, but I am most excited at the prospect of having better habits.

Why am I telling you all this? A few reasons: for one, it's on my mind a lot because I have all these new rules I have to remember. Secondly, this is my blog and I can talk about whatever I want on here, right? But most importantly, now that I've told you all, I am even more accountable. And that's a good thing . . . I think.

I'm gonna be sick . . . (just kidding; I'm not)

Can I talk to you for a sec? It'll just be a minute.

Do you ever feel like you're on a roller coaster and you can't get off? Once when I was a kid we went to this place called Hoffman's Playland. We used to go there on our way home from Lake George, NY. Anyway, it was a really small amusement park thing and they had a very small roller coaster but it made very sharp turns to make up for the fact that it was small and it went around 3 times. I went on it once. I have no idea how old I was, maybe 9? Anyway, I freaked out so much that they actually had to stop it to let me off before that last time around. I kind of feel like that right now. "This is freaking me out. I'm not ready for this. I need to get off and get my feet on the ground."

How does life change this quickly anyway? I mean, what is up with that? It's like with my new job. I got a phone call about it on a Monday, had the interview on Wednesday, and had the job by Friday. I went from being a starving-artist-slash-part-time-stay-at-home-aunt to having the perfect job for me and it just came to me. Weird.

Today my life flip flopped big time. And all in a matter of hours. I'm not going to go into details because it involves other people. What I will say is that some of it threw me for a complete loop and some didn't. I mean if I had stood back at what was slowly unfolding, I probably would have seen it coming (especially because I'm really good at that with movie plots most of the time). The thing is that it's not like my job where it was easy to know how to feel about it. Instead I'm a ball of nerves and emotions that I don't have time to sort out because we're gearing up for the third time around this ride and I'm just really not sure I want to stay on. The last two go arounds seemed fun at first, but ended up being doozies and I'm thinking I might need a break.

Ok, that's it. I just needed to vent and you were the only one up at this hour. Thanks a bunch! Here's to hoping that I'll be able to get some sleep. Also I apologize that I'm rambling. It's late.